Retirement Jokes Category

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,""We will always remember you," etc.Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years." Read more

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ``How do you really feel? I mean, you`re 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?````Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I`ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.`` Read more

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel`s Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company. Read more

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn`t concentrate.After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn`t have the thyme.Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard.Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it, so they gave me the ax.Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn`t fit in.So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn`t fit for the job.After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patience.My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy.I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income.My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I`M PERFECT FOR THE JOB! Read more

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.Thinking he`d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro."Uh... you`re supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!" Read more

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security. Read more

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who`s the boss around here?" he asked."I am." said the man."I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one.""No, no, no, get the brown one." the man`s wife said."Here`s your chicken." said the farmer. Read more

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients` bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." Read more