Science Jokes Category

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it`s old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don`t know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."The sociologist: "I don`t know, but is was nice talking about it".Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".Medical Student : "4"All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"Medical Student : "I memorized it." Read more

Weather Comparisons+50 degrees Fahrenheit* New York tenants try to turn on the heat* People from Ontario plant gardens+40* Californians shiver uncontrollably* Albertans sunbathe+35* Italian cars don`t start+32* Distilled water freezes+30* You can see your breath* You plan a vacation in Florida* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless* Manitobans eat ice cream+25* Lake Ontario water freezes* Californians weep pitiably* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed+20* New York water freezes* San Franciscans start thinking favourably of L.A.* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts+15* You plan a vacation in Acapulco* Cat insists on sleeping IN your bed with you* B.C. residents go swimming+10* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless* Too cold to snow* You need jumper cables to get the car going0* New York landlords turn on the heat* Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!-5* You can HEAR your breath* You plan a vacation in Hawaii-10* American cars don`t start* Too cold to skate-15* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo* People from Miami cease to exist* Canadians lick flagpoles-20* Politicians actually do something about the homeless* People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down screens-25* Too cold to kiss* You need jumper cables to get the driver going* Japanese cars don`t start* Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training-30* You plan a two-week hot bath* Pilsener freezes* Bock beer production begins* NWT residents shovel snow off roof-38* Mercury freezes* Too cold to think* Canadians do up their top button-40* Californians disappear* Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you* Quebecers put on sweaters-50* Congressional hot air freezes* Alaskans close the bathroom window* Green Bay Packers practice indoors-60* Walruses abandon Aleutians* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"* Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens* Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby-70* Glaciers in Central Park* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie-80* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island* Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby-90* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles* Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of theborder-100* Santa Claus abandons North Pole* Canadians pull down earflaps-173* Ethyl alcohol freezes-297* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere* Microbial life survives only on dairy products-445* Superconductivity-452* Helium becomes a liquid-454* Hell freezes over-456* Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on highways-458* Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution-460 (absolute zero)* All atomic motion ceases* Canadians start saying how it`s a tad nippy outside Read more

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?""No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." Read more

The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt. Read more

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I`m not going to go through this. You know I`ll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist`s eyes light up and he starts drooling.The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don`t you realize that you`ll never reach the food?"The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I`ll get close enough for all practical purposes!" Read more

You are a Nerd If...If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tiresIf you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoalIf you have more toys than your kidsIf you need a checklist to turn on the TVIf you have introduced your kids by the wrong nameIf you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they workIf your I.Q. number is bigger than your weightIf the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don`t work and you rush up to the front to fix itIf you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversaryIf you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already Read more

A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafewatching people going in and coming out of the house on the other sideof the street.First they see two people going into the house.Time passes.After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.The physicist says: "The measurement wasn`t accurate."The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it`llbe empty again." Read more

Kid`s View On Science- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don`t hear it you got hit, so never mind.- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they`re there.- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog`s tongue will kill the strongest man.- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places. Read more

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene. Read more