Scottish Jokes Category

One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please, I beg you let it be blood!" Read more

Wee Hughie was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted. "How much will it cost ?" he asked. "?50," replied the dentist. "Isn`t that a lot for only a few minutes work?" asked Wee Hughie. "Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist. "Look," said Wee Hughie, "here`s ?5. Just loosen it a little." Read more

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says, "I`m not as cruel as George Bush says I am. You will be given 50 lashes each, but you can have whatever you want on your back." The Australian goes first, and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says, "I will take it as it comes, I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly "Stiff upper lip you know eh what." His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Wee Hughie, it`s your turn, you have the same choice as the other two, what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Wee Hughie replies quickly and without hesitation, "I`ll have the Englishman". Read more

A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What`s that over yonder`?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That`s a moose, eh," said the guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a moose, I`d be sure an to hate to see your rats!" Read more

A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: `Is this your first visit?` `Aye, it is.` `You seem to be having a great time.` `Aye, I am that.` `Good.` `And what`s more, it`s not just a holiday. It`s my honeymoon as well.` `Oh. Then where`s your wife?` `Och. She`s been here before.` Read more

Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt? It was Boney Prince Charlie. Read more