Seniors Jokes Category

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It`s a very special watch. It`s been in my family for six generations."He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist`s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces."SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.It took three days to clean up the senior center Read more

In the dim and distant pastWhen life`s tempo wasn`t so fast,Grandma used to rock and knit,Crochet, tat and baby sit.When the kids were in a jam,They could always call on Gram.But today she`s in the gymExercising to keep slim.She`s checking the web or surfing the net,Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.Nothing seems to stop or block her,Now that Grandma`s off her rocker. Read more

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven`t told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!" Read more

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their facultiesOLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balanceOLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deletedOLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a partOLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wastedOLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become historyOLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiverOLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structuresOLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciateOLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another worldOLD ATOMS never die, they just decayOLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interestOLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loanOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go battyOLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap Read more

A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I`m just lookin` around." Read more

An old man went to the social security office to sign up.He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too. Read more

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him."What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor."Oh, ummmm, let`s see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what`s that flower`s name?""A rose?" asked the neighbor."Yes, that`s it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what`s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" Read more

Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy, isn`t it?"Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let`s go get a beer." Read more

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. Itcost me four thousand dollars, but it`s state of the art. It`s perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty." Read more

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. Afew days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with agorgeous young woman on his arm.A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You`rereally doing great, aren`t you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: `Get a hot mamma andbe cheerful.`"The doctor said, "I didn`t say that. I said, `You`ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.`" Read more