Steven Wright Jokes Category

I can`t wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you`re ugly. See that women in the jury? I`d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?" Read more

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" Read more

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. Read more

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that`s how it`s done." Read more

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn`t do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn`t wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I`m sure this has happened to you. Read more

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." Read more

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." So I`d sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work." Read more

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven`t spoken since. Read more

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I`d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn`t obey. Read more

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Read more